atropos200

I have done a few changes in my life recently; all in an effort to re-direct my life into the direction I want it to go. It is possible I do this because I fear staying too long in one place or one way… perhaps I have a wandering heart – or perhaps I too often find myself returning to a place I do not wish to be, wishing to move forward but finding myself in a circle.

I thought I could make a transition from the relationship I was in – keep the friendship and companionship but without the negative aspects, but as I was made aware… transitional relationships do not work, and that is true and was made evident to me.

As I stated before – I am trying to re-direct my life into the direction I want… but the problem is – I do not know what that direction should be. All I can do is remain open to whatever opportunities present themselves and use those to steer my course. But what I find difficult is opening myself up to meeting new friends. I do well in some social situations but it’s a slow process for me to meet new people. I can’t just dive into an unknown situation. For me, meeting people through school, work or some other place that is ongoing has been the only way I have been able to form good friendships… and that is because it takes a little while for me to be comfortable or confident in speaking to someone on a friendship level. Parties, bars and other similar situations rarely help in meeting people – because I’m usually too uncomfortable. But this is something I would like to work on. I have gone through most of my life with few but very close friendships… however, whenever I lose touch with those people, I am then left back where I started… alone. I still value these close friendships and will forever look for them – but I must allow myself to expand beyond this – for my own sake. There are so many more possibilities out there that I want to be a part of.

I guess the changes I’ve been making in my life have all been focused toward lessening my uncomfortably with other people… which means an uncomfortably with myself. This is why building confidence has been so important to me… and therefore so fragile. I am comfortable with myself and who I am – but what I am not comfortable with is how others perceive me at first impression… since for me – they must get passed that first impression in order to truly meet the “comfortable” me. That “comfortable” me is what only my close friends and family see… and the one I know the best… what I should really focus on is making that “comfortable” me the one that everyone sees. But that, for me, is easier said than done. Recognizing this fact, however, is already a positive step in that direction… sometimes it just takes writing out your thoughts and they will inevitably whittle down to a conclusion, right? That’s why I find this journal and my personal journal so helpful – writing a thought down commits it… we are then forced to see and read that thought and accept that it was put there by you for a reason – it should never be feared, only used as a tool for understanding. The act of releasing that thought, as well, can give peace of mind to our subconscious that our deepest thoughts and feelings are being seen and read and can therefore soon be understood as this paragraph has just done for me.

I am very introspective, but I take great honor in that… I know allot of people that fear, or are uncomfortable with introspection. I seek to understand what some people try to escape from. I believe our own minds are the greatest mysteries and most secret treasure on this earth… but I do know that true understanding won’t come without experience… So although I am very introspective, that is carried with me in my own thoughts every day – I do not seek solitude. I seek to explore the world and it’s experiences and use my introspection to value each moment to it’s fullest. Just as we value open communication with our friends and family – I have always tried to maintain open communication within.

My next step in my personal journey is fixing my teeth - cosmetically. This was decided upon because I found that it was a major road-block in my self-confidence. Of course - my teeth aren't the only things that give me confidence issues... but it's the largest. It could have also easily have been solved as a child with orthodontics - but I never had that choice or opportunity (and probably wouldn't have even wanted it as a child) - but now I have the power to make this change...

Well - I'm definitely doing it, I've decided... it's just a question of when at this point.
Everything is pointing to do it. Hell - even the stars... go figure...
I was watching an astrologer on Public Access talking about the signs and what's to come in 2005...
when she got to Libra... she basically said it was a powerful positive year for Libra... she didn't talk allot about each sign - but she mentioned that we'd be focusing on improving our physical appearance...
Obviously - this didn't sway any decision... I just found it amusing...

It pretty much comes down to - I'd regret it if I didn't...
I noticed something very interesting to me and I'm assuming everyone deals with this or goes through this from one degree or another.
We tend to stop ourselves from going after what we truly want for a variety of reasons. - a road-block - or hurdle if you will.
It's really has to do with confidence in ourselves, etc...
Well - I have just thought to myself from the beginning... okay... what's stopping me from going after what I want?
well - at first it was living in Louisiana... I felt I needed to be in California or it wouldn't have worked...
whether this was true or not - is irrelevant... there was something telling me I needed to do it - and I wasn't sure what...
but if I didn't do it - in my mind I would feel myself at a disadvantage and would probably sabotage myself some how.
Well I got to CA and realized that wasn't the end of my road-blocks... there was something new that sprung up... my teeth!
but you know the journey from then to now... quite different and interesting...

The moral of the story is:
My goal or dream is not necessarily the ultimate job - it's the ultimate view of myself -
because going through each road-block is not just a hurdle... it's a de-construction of what that hurdle meant to me.
through the journey of passing each hurdle I've developed and improved myself to an astounding degree.
I know myself better - I have more confidence in who I am and what I'm capable of - and a huge weight is lifted.
People go through their entire lives never realizing their road-blocks... perhaps even their first one. They live out their lives with this weight because deep down they know there's something left undone - or something left untried... most times I bet, they just forget... working paycheck to paycheck all their lives until they feel trapped in the job that got them there - fearing they lose what they've worked for up to that point. - but if you're not happy, what are you working for?

Most people turn away from their road-blocks believing that way is shut... I say seek them out! You want something - but a road-block pops up... There's a reason for that road-block - something you need to accomplish first. don't think of it as a road-block - but more like a staircase. Each step takes you higher. A higher sense of self - and one step closer to what you truly want.
One very important thing - there's no skipping steps, and that's nothing to be fearful of. Because our ultimate goal may change through each step... because with each step we learn more about ourselves and what we truly want (gaining wisdom). What was once important to us - may not seem so important further along - and we may even find a greater truth!

It is human nature for us to question the unknown right? Yes… I would say so.

It’s that questioning that drives us… our ambition… our curiosity – we strive to better our situation or ourselves because we all feel the limited time we have on this earth as so fleeting right? Yes… I believe that to be true.

But there is something more complex at work when you see the varying religions out in the world… past and present.

Why can’t we all simply agree on one religion? Well – I would say because no one can prove his or her religion 100% as true… All religions have are stories… fables and parables to guide us through our lives with a reward at the end for those who follow the doctrine.

But what draws us all to the religion we follow? What drew you?

Was it simply the religion you followed as a child and continued on through adulthood?

Do you follow it because of tradition?

Did you look at other religions and choose which best fit you?

If you go here: http://www.selectsmart.com/RELIGION/

You can fill out a survey and it’ll tell you which religion best fits your choice selections.

And lastly – do you feel your religion is 100% sound in your heart? Irrefutable? Undeniable?

You may easily say YES – to the above question – because no one wants his or her beliefs challenged… but before you answer that question above… please think about something.

Your religion, your faith, your beliefs – determine your perception of the world and your relation to the people of that world. So ask yourself…

Is heaven only for people who follow my religion?

What happens to people who follow different religions?

What source made you believe in your religion?

What makes that source more believable than other religious sources?

I find most religions claim to know the “answer” to life’s questions… and we all want to know the answers to these questions too. But we all have a choice in what answers we believe.

The bottom line is: No one can tell you what you believe – we have to figure this out for ourselves.

We can’t be worried about what “other” people believe… no one on this earth can have power over that – regardless of who they say they are… a priest, a parent, whomever! The only one who can truly condemn us are ourselves – anything beyond that must wait till the afterlife before any judgment is put upon us.

So you must decide what will get you into heaven yourself. Everybody wants the easy out… but you leave yourselves open to living a life of continued questioning and uncertainty when you leave the biggest decision of your life – to another - to an institution – to a government – to whomever.

So here’s the good news – that decision will change throughout your life and that’s okay.

We will continue to grow and mature throughout our lives… and so our beliefs should be allowed to grow and mature with us. The things we used to cling to may not make sense to us anymore, and that’s okay, we know more now than we have in the past – and so we need to figure out what does make sense to us and use it to mature us further.

The best thing in life is being comfortable with who we are – and what we believe.

So it nears the end of another year. I must say this has been a hell ova year…

I have seen great growth in my maturity and personal power this year.

My confidence continues to rise, albeit slowly. (And a bumpy road, however)

Business continues to improve…

However, not all has been good in 2004

My faith continues to be challenged and I have suffered the strongest decline this year.

Health concerns with my Dad and Grandmother brings about deep questions within.

My ideals in human nature also suffered its greatest blow with the re-election of George W.

I haven’t written any entries since the election and so have never had the opportunity to express what I feel regarding this matter.

It has shown me the strength and negativity of human nature. I know I get flack for my views and will undoubtedly continue to get flack from supporters of George W. – and I don’t know the best way to voice my thoughts without automatically conjuring the wall of “my way is just better than yours” – which is what it boils down to fundamentally… Each side thinks there way is the best and there’s no real explanation as to why… because it comes down to belief – and belief, like faith, is not something that can be proven 100% as right or wrong. It’s based on perception – and that is one of the most dynamic and powerful things on this earth.

Everything can be attributed to perception, how our minds interpret what we sense based on our senses, intellect and, unfortunately, what we are told. Perception can cure illnesses, start wars, create art, solve problems and so many other things we haven’t even discovered yet.

Some would say that this is faith – but what is faith, if not our own perception of what faith is. I’m not saying religion (because I believe religion and faith are two different things). Religion is a conscious choice we all make based on our beliefs, or the religion adopted since birth, etc. Faith is what we truly believe – and that can be independent of our Religion… many practitioners of Religion aren’t even sure what they believe… but since they have picked a certain religion they follow that doctrine – but it would take allot of soul searching for that individual to figure out if that truly is their faith. And this comes to the heart of my issue with this past election.

Most people don’t want to question. Most people don’t want to know. And most people don’t like it when they are questioned. I would hazard to guess – the reason people don’t like being questioned is because they don’t want to find out they could be wrong in their choices. But ignorance is not bliss…

Almost every person I spoke to before the election about the election – weren’t interested in the conversation – more often than not – They would say, “oh I don’t like political talk” – or “I don’t know enough to really talk about it” – and yet they were all voting for George W.

This past election proved a couple of things for me.

1)       Americans have not progressed philosophically as much as I thought or hoped.

2)       It doesn’t matter so much who is right – just who yells the loudest.

3)       Most Americans are more interested in affirmation than truth.

Please note that when I say “most Americans,” I’m speaking of the voters for George W., which is apparently the majority.